I'm a 29 year old single guy with no real prospect of anything solid relationship-wise on the horizon and I've had quite the dry spell the last few years. My best friend is the same age as me and is married with 2 cool kids. Lately, I've found myself really wanting something solid. What my friend has would be pretty dang cool. Short of joining eHarmony or going to a speed-dating shindig, what can I do to get closer to the matrimonial dream?
Ponderous in P-town
Dear P-town Dawg,
While I am not the best advice giver on the subject of the ladies, I'll do my best. I hope I can offer a little help on the subject.
First, it's important to know that the woman you're going to marry is somewhere out there. She does exist, the trick is finding her (and woo-ing her). I am a believer that there are many people that would be right for us at different times in our life, but it does matter when the time comes along that we are ready. I got married rather young and I don't really know if I was really ready (I think you never are) so there is a little risk and a lot of jumping without looking.
Ok, the first step in fining your belle is to remember that you "marry your best friend." As you said your best friend is already married, don't pursue that avenue (especially if your best friend is a he - I bet he don't swing that way). Stop chuckling... this is serious. I have seen a lot of relationships fail because of the friendship element. Guy A and Girl B decide not to pursue a relationship because it would ruin the relationship. Marriage and Relationships are built on the foundation of friendship; you should enjoy the person you are with and the way you know about that is you become friends. It is important to become friends first, and good friends. Hang out a lot, get a pizza, go to the cinema. All good ways to build a good foundation. I think becoming a friend is the hardest part. Be sure to choose carefully, it's ok to hang out with a bunch of girlies at once, but as soon as one starts taking on the appearance that she'd good-friend or best-friend status, focus your time a little more on her than the other girlies you are with.
How do you find them? Good question. I found my bride on an AOL chatroom way back in 1998 (we pioneered online dating) and things worked out for us. I don't know if I suggest finding chat rooms as they are a veritable meat-market these days (everyone asking for a/s/l - - ugh). So, chatting and the online places is a good place to start - focus on the social networks such as Facebook and MySpace. Odds are you know a lot of the people there and the seeds could already be planted with some of the single ladies. Work, school, the mall, social gathering places like bowling allies and gaming places can be places where you'll have the best chance of finding the girls. It all starts with friendship though, so don't go into every relationship expecting to find the one... it's just not going to happen. But one of those casual friends can grow to something more with a little effort.
After the foundation of good friendship is built, you need to bring up the idea of marriage to find out how possible the idea is to her. Remeber that it's the idea of marriage, not marriage to you... that would be too forward this early on in the game. Be a little mysterious about it. Bring up the subject in a light and playful manner, try to steer a conversation gently to a question like "so, if you're going to get married, what would you want." Play out the rest of the conversation. This accomplishes two things, It lets her see that you care about her and introduces to her the idea that you might be the one. Now comes the important part... don't make the conversation awkward. Keep the flow going in a not-committal manner. Things should pan out and you'll find out if she digs you. If you end up snogging later, the playing field is set.
Next you're on your own. Keep the relationship alive by talking a lot. A couple times a week. If she's too needy and expects you to call every night, Make a compromise and exchange instant messenger names and chat online. Let the subject of marriage slip into the background. That way you don't seem too desperate and it can fester in her until things are going well. The closer you get, the more you'll know. If she invites you to her home to meet her family (whether it's her roommates or parents), view this as a sign that she is serious about you.
From that point, it's blind to any man. You will never know when the right time is to get serious. The world still hasn't figured out women and that, unfortunately, is one thing that doesn't come with a how to. I leave you now with a fun explaination of the differences between men and women's brains.... though this is funny, it is completely accurate and can be used to plan out what needs to happen.
Here's hoping this helps, and let me know if things change for you. I am all ears.
Cheers,
The Masked Crusader.
